My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
constantly working on myself.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
no refunds
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.