Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
this article brought to you by lions
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.