What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I like long walks away from everyone
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.