[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
From my Mom
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Sign at work today
HOW DARE YOU
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.