Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?