It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I am also baked goods
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Yes my dude
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.