*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
can you read it!!??
maan!
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell