Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
You Might Also Like
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My what?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
New mindset, who dis?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Did my cat write this