I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..