never deleting this app.
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Finally! 😈
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!