Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet