[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
cats when you pet them too long:
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.