Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Very good! 👍😂
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.