You Might Also Like
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I can’t stop watching this.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Spring cleaning checklist…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.