It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
spot the difference
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
It’s the weekend y’all
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.