Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My dad.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany