7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
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No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣