when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.