My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken