SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Cats are still liquid.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Why font matters.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.