Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
🚲+physics = winner
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too