My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone