Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall