[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.