If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
You Might Also Like
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Haha good job!!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.