CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
This fish is cracking me up
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”