me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream âwatch out for that alligator!â and then you will have to explain to them the difference while itâs eating your face
everyone’s a critic
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If by âanythingâ you mean âanything I can do from my couch,â then yes, I will do anything for you.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My kid when heâs in trouble will be like wow you make the best water itâs so wet like I donât know what heâs doing
“You want me to do what?!”đ¤Ł
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Billboards never give helpful advice like âhey youâre about to walk into work with your fly downâ.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasnât made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Granny said âalright now, if she fall thatâs it for meâ đ
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.