(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Only Americans understand
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Cheer up.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment