Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.