Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.