In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
You Might Also Like
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”