Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
You Might Also Like
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing