“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
ugh not again
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Goodnight 🐶
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
some cats are just doing for fun!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”