[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.