Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?