Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
A great tip. #CakeRex
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.