Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*