employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
those birds must be on payroll
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.