People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
i choose….tongue
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
i’m still crying at this
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.