little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.