6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.