Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
A wise man once said nothing.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.