Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
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be careful
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it