I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please