Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
wut hotdog?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.