My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED