Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there