MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Breakfast for Stoners:
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.