My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Breaking news:
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great