I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”